It’s so hard not to be jealous. But what am I jealous about? Because she has amazing hair? And has that elusive “group of girls” I always wished I had? Is that really worth being jealous about? A part of me that I am not proud of seeks praise. But what does that actually do? Does it make me any happier? It’s not like I’ve never received compliments. It’s just that I easily forget. I’ve somehow absorbed the idea that thinking well of myself is akin to vanity. But clearly, I’ve taken it too far. It’s not conscious. The point was to not become so demoralizing-ly self-effacing as a result. But once you’ve believed the lie that others are more worthy than you, you need a drastic change. I don’t need to proclaim it to the world, but I am worthy. I possess characteristics and have achieved things that those girls I see do not and have not. We all do. And if you’re anything like me, please keep reminding yourself this. You don’t need to share it with the world. In fact, I would say keep it private. But don’t bury it so deep down that you forget it.
Clearly, deactivating my Instagram and Twitter accounts last week was a step in a positive direction. Unfortunately, I cannot delete my Facebook account. Maybe that’s a good thing. But in any case, with just two clicks from my Facebook feed, I couldn’t help feeling again this morning those same feelings that led me to reduce a good chunk of my social media presence.
I can’t blame social media for a human defect, but it does make it easier. Oh so easier. To judge others. To perceive that others have it better than we do (based on carefully calculated images and text, lest we forget!). To decry what we have.
I’m a sensitive person, for better or for worse. But because I am so sensitive, I have to be very conscious about what I consume (I don’t mean physically here – I ain’t never gonna stop eating cake!) and what I say to myself. I wrote the above (almost) unedited blurb in a moment of jealousy and self-loathing. But because I am trying to be conscious about the images I allow into my life and disseminate, I didn’t allow myself to wallow for too long.
Still, I needed to email these thoughts to myself to remind me, and to post it here to remind others who feel as I do, that we need to stop. Braggarts are a problem and they need to be dealt with. But self-effacement that goes beyond modesty is also a problem that needs to be dealt with. I really don’t think the model I’ve been following thus far works. Sure, people can say I am being humble. But unless I am content with what I have and who I am, it’s not really a virtue; it’s a front, and perhaps not any better than the vice.