And then it hits ya…

I alluded to the quarter-life+5-years crisis I had earlier this week in my previous post. If you didn’t catch that, I don’t blame you. You, too, were swept away by the cows. Say what you will about Chick-Fil-A’s politics, but they have one EXCELLENT marketing team.

And while I’ve pretty much been viewing that 30-second video over and over again since Chick-Fil-A responded to my message (they actually responded to my message, guys!), I would be remiss if I did not address that elephant (or shall I say, cow?) in the room, especially since I made such a big deal about turning 30.

I’ve written about jealousy and feelings of inadequacy before, but there was something about waking up on the first weekday morning after turning 30 (and by then, my small world had already moved on) that was just prime for experiencing those feelings again.

It came out of nowhere. I was excited about turning 30. I’ve been looking forward to it for as long as I can remember.

But then it hit me. I am 30 years old. What the heck am I doing with my life?

I’ve had the opportunity to reflect on my non-linear life this past week. Though on most days, I rather like that I can say I never followed the mold that was expected of me, I have my none-too-proud moments where, after having a conversation with someone who’s outwardly more accomplished than myself, I start feeling bad about the decisions I’ve made or did not make.

Do I regret not taking the LSAT? Hale no. I would have been miserable in law school and would have hated being a lawyer. Do I regret not flailing a little longer to see if academia was right for me? No. I don’t want to teach and other than that one time in 2011, I’ve never had a desire to teach. And I have a pretty good feeling that even if I did manage to get myself a PhD, I’d find myself in this same position. For my achievements mean nothing to me after I’ve actually achieved them.

As a person with artistic and visionary proclivities, I can’t be bound to do things that are merely respectable on the surface, not unless I actually have an interest in those things. I have to do what feels right within.

I’ve allowed myself to believe that it was a lack of confidence that stopped me short of my goals, but perhaps it was the ability to say ‘no’ when things weren’t right for me. That should confidence-boosting, right?

The reason why I think I keep finding myself in this position is because despite my innate sense of wanting to do what is right for me, I still seek validation from the world. I want my cake and I wanna eat it too, darn it!

Never has there been a more apt metaphor to describe my life.

But if I allow outwardly validation to be my guiding force, I will never be content. I have to ask myself: What is more important? Being at peace with the decisions I have made and finding wisdom in the life that I have OR always feeling that I am never enough?

Because “enough” is not a feeling you get after achieving a goal; it is a mindset that you have while working towards one, whatever goal that may be.

4 thoughts on “And then it hits ya…

  1. “As a person with artistic and visionary proclivities, I can’t be bound to do things that are merely respectable on the surface, not unless I actually have an interest in those things. I have to do what feels right within.”

    You’ve done it. You’ve captured what myself and many others consider our greatest obstacle. I really love the way you write Rafia. You’ve got quite a way with words. Ma shaa Allah

    Also that cake metaphor was simply made for you :]

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I know so many people with non-linear lives, that I’m starting to wonder how it was possible for the 1 person who I know who did it, to actually…. do it.

    My life is the wonderful, frustrating, exhilarating, boring gift/mess that it is. Is it what I thought I would be living? No; but that’s in a good way and in some maybe not so good ways. But it’s mine, and I’m going to try to do the best I can with it—questionable decision-making abilities and all.

    Loving that last line of your post. You’ve given me a lot to think about.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, I think you might be right. And how did this lone wolf get the rest of us to think his/her way was the only way. That’s what I want to know? Sometime the stories we create to sell whatever it can be do damaging. But I guess, that’s why those people are in the business of selling, they don’t really care about what happens after the transaction has been made. Enough of my tangential tirade though! Do you agree with the last line? I have a hard time actually doing it. But I know it’s gotta be right, that’s what all self-help gurus say anyway ;)

      Like

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