On the highs and lows of life and the evolution of this blog (i.e. Rafia likes to ramble)

I noticed that every time I write a positive or happy post, it is almost always followed by a melancholic one. I don’t plan on this, but it ends up happening that way.

But before I get into the sad stuff

For those of you who read my last post, my performance went well… I think. My cousin who attended the event made a video recording and sent it to all my family in India on Whatsapp. So if it sucked, he wouldn’t have done that, right? I don’t know. Maybe my family likes to make fun of me behind my back. I can never judge the worthiness of my own work or efforts, so if you’re lucky (or unlucky) enough to catch a wind of my performance, you can let me know what you think… or not.

Now, onto the sad stuff!

Well, I guess it’s not really that sad. I’m still alive and everyone I know and love who was alive yesterday is still alive today, but I got some disappointing news this morning. I was melancholic for a while. Mr. Rafia said it was for the best and the rest of my immediate family assured me that God has something better planned for me. I do believe it, but I needed to take some time to sit on this news.

The good thing is that I did not cry. That’s a positive sign that I take very seriously. I was somewhat shocked and had a bit of a chip to my ego, but after hours of routine, I’ve come to the conclusion that ya just never know. I think God has a sense of humour, an idea I’ve been toying around with for some time now. It takes me a while to get the joke, sure. But in retrospect, even I have to laugh at my naivety and desperation. You might think something is going to happen a particular way. You go to bed at night, dreaming up scenarios, practicing your lines (I cannot be the only one who does this)… but then when you finally wake up, it ends up not going the way you had envisioned it.

I am dumbfounded (at myself mostly), but I am not upset anymore. My only one lament is that I seem to waste my imagination on pointless endeavors. Why can’t I use my imagination for something more productive, like, say, writing a novel?

Today’s “situation” reminded me of a post I had written about 7 months ago – The Sting of Rejection. Pretty much the same issue. I thought about re-posting it, but decided that I would write a new post. I wanted to see if there was any change in me and my writing since then.

I think the jury’s out on that one.

But in another matter, I am beginning to see this blog as a really long conversation, which absolutely confounds me. It’s turning into a public “Dear Diary.” I don’t know if y’all are just humouring me (have you joined my family in making fun of me behind my back?). But why would you do that? You’re not getting anything in return! Nevertheless, for some reason or another, I feel compelled to continue this very strange conversation.

Maybe I am finally ready to write that memoir “The Girl Who Never Went to Disneyland (or World)”.

But knowing me, I probably won’t. I have to say though that it did feel good to at least write that I might ;)

18 thoughts on “On the highs and lows of life and the evolution of this blog (i.e. Rafia likes to ramble)”

  1. It seems we’re both thinking of the journey of our blogs today. I wish I could have seen you perform, but however you did, I hope you had fun! I have fun watching people who have fun :)

    In terms of wasting your imagination on pointless endeavors, you are definitely not alone. I’m afraid that most of my thoughts are completely useless. “What if I bumped into an old friend from the third grade who grew up to hate Muslims”…that sort of thing. When I could be focusing my thought on writing the book I’ve been “writing” (haven’t started) for months now. Anyways, I hope you can turn whatever negative thing that happened into a positive thing. Although it seems like you’re already there!

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    1. I think I might have been unconsciously inspired by you! :) You were my muse! I’m not sure if fun is what I had, but I’ve noticed that the more I perform the more comfortable I get with the art of performing. I was like, “I’ma take this mic in my hand and belt it out like Whitney” but then I remembered I was in a religious gathering. LOL.

      Hey, let’s make a pact, eh? To collectively start writing those books we’ve been telling ourselves we’re going to write! Do you have a synopsis? Is it going to be a novel – I think you have a mind for fiction, so I can’t wait to read it. But even if it’s not a novel, I’d still read it. I love how far you’ve come in your writing and it’s such a beautiful thing to be in a community of fellow writers, because with you, Geeky, and Naureen, I feel like we kinda are. If that’s my imagination talking, then so be it! :)

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      1. I was thinking the same thing about this little community of writers I’ve been so lucky to meet online. Hopefully we can all hang out one day! I definitely know I’m meant to be a novelist at some point. Now, Rafia, you’re telling me that if I actually start this thing, you’ll also start on your memoir? Because that would basically be the best pact I’ve ever been a part of. I’m in if you are. I think I may have needed a tiny push, but I basically think about this book 24/7. Afraid to get the words down, but I’ve had a synopsis (loosely termed) floating around in my head for a while. I know it’ll feel really good to see it come to life :)

        I’d definitely read whatever you write, and probably urge my friends & family to pick up a copy as well. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, you’ve got such a way with words. Yo I can’t wait to do this

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      2. Yay! The most important thing to get started is believing in yourself and I’m glad to read that you know you will be a novelist! Let’s do it! I’ll start thinking of chapters/essays – which I’ve already begun to write in my journal, but I think I actually need to create a Word doc to make it “official.” So I suggest for you, get an outline of your plot (if you have that) and get that down in writing. When I wrote my short story, I had this inspiration hit me while I was writing in my journal. I wrote it down and then transcribed it onto Word. I don’t know if that’ll help you in anyway. Inspiration comes at odd times, but if you’re one of the lucky ones to get it when you’re at your laptop/computer, then go at it! Have you taken part in NaNoWriMo before?

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      3. By the way, I’m super excited. This just might be the push I’ve needed for months. Should I make a formal pact that we can sign? I’ll do it. I’m serious! I’ve read that having an accountability buddy is good for motivation/inspiration. Please be mine! <3

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      1. It’s been done. I’ve even started writing the memoir! I’m mired in self-doubt even as I write it, but IT HAS BEGUN! *hoping you’ll get my references to the 90s Classic video-game-brought-to-life Mortal Kombat*

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  2. Hey Rafia, glad to hear your performance went well. I hope you’ve enjoyed yourself, that’s the most important part. You are certainly not the only one that practices her imaginary lines, I do it so often it is part of my daily routine at this point loool. I’m pretty much a daydreamer, and I’ve imagined a thousands possible scenarios as to what I would/could do, and how my life will/could turn up. I don’t know what will come out of all these imagined scenarios, or if any of the projects I carefully concocted in my own head will ever come to fruition. I think our imagination is an integral part of who we are. If we cannot project ourselves in the future, if we cannot dream of all the possibilities, or naively try to bring about some foolish endeavour (by the way some of the greatest ideas in the world started as such), our existence would be rather miserable when you think about it.

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    1. I think you are right in your assessment! Perhaps I need to funnel my imagination. I used to think that I am not at all creative, but I’m starting to see that it’s not one blob of mass that hits you at one time. We all have imaginations, but it’s up to us to weave them together into a cohesive whole. I’m reading a book right now that’s very in line with this kind of thinking. We have to be curious and listen to our curiosities. One thing will lead to another and then another and then later, you’ll find yourself in a position where you can say, “I can make some work out of this!” I think you’ve already started doing this Geeky. Masha’Allah. I admire your passion for truth and justice and your unabashed love for all things nerdy. You give me inspiration!

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  3. What did you perform?! I want to see that video (one day!) I am a car singer – one of those people jamming inside her car on signals, highways, busy streets – whatevs. But that’s because I enjoy the security of being inside a car and not outside of it – even though, in my imagination, I’m outside. Getitgetit. I tend to vicariously live through my imaginations (I don’t find this to be a good habit, I zone out so easily) but when you’re actually singing I don’t think you can be doing anything in your imagination at that point and it’s just so freeing. (Where am i going with my wayward thoughts? Anyway). I was reminded of something as I was reading this post – I heard a podcast once where Judy Blume was being interviewed – and she faced 2 years of rejections before she got published for the first time. Granted, things were easier back then, but she said that with every rejection, her determination to prove them wrong grew – she improved each time. I think that’s grounded in firm belief and optimism – and hence your family’s quite right. God has something better planned for you :) <3

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    1. The Burdah Sharif! Maybe you will see it one day ;) I am struggling with whether to share it or not. It’s a tricky thing, this sharing of our work/efforts/whatever. I’m already doing it with this blog… and yet sometimes I wonder if I’m over-sharing, you know? Car singing is THE BEST! I honestly look forward to taking day trips in my car on my own so that I can belt it out. Oddly enough, I feel more comfortable singing in the car than I do in my own home. I’m always afraid that the neighbours (or poor family members) will hear me and then tell me to shut up. It is freeing, because when you sing, you can’t over analyze and we all need to have an activity that takes us out of you heads. Food does that, because I can go overboard with food ;) Thanks for sharing that story of Judy Blume with me. I think the more one writes, the more confidence one gets. Not necessarily in being a success. But my love for writing has grown from “I like this, I think I’ll try blogging again” to “I NEED to write.” And it’s the determination and commitment to the craft that matters. Insha’Allah :) Thank you, Naureen.

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  4. So where do we plebs possibly “catch a wind” of this performance? Did one of your family members record it? *fingers crossed*

    You are definitely not the only one who thinks about future scenarios and creates the script of how you think it will go (and all your super cool and witty comebacks). If you ever figure out a way to turn that off, please do let me know….

    Self-growth is such a hard, pain-staking journey. Victories may be slow in coming so I would celebrate the heck outta them when they finally do.

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    1. Yes, my cousin did. How about I WhatsApp it to you, eh? Can you give me some advice on thinking of witty comebacks, please? Even in my imagination I struggle with those – haha!

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