Visiting the Past/Waiting on the Edge

Four and a half months to the day. Almost exactly.

I had assumed it was going to be a one-time thing.

Once is more than plenty; but to have this happen twice in my life?

I don’t believe in coincidences. But I do believe we get the messages we need in forms that are best suited to our nature.

Do you ever wonder, when you have sudden jolts in your own life, that it is God desperately trying to tell you something? God does not have to be desperate. But we human beings can be so blind.

I, for one, am not very good at picking up on subtle hints.

I know God was trying to tell me something the first time.

I needed that first time. That first time saved my life. It was what allowed me to finally leave a job that had messed with my head and sense of well-being. It was what gave me the gall to finally apply to my dream school for graduate studies, thus ushering the phase of my life that I now am most fond and proud of.

Many factors went into making June 13, 2015, Commencement Day, a reality – most obviously, the financial and physical support from my immediate family.

But I know what set it all in motion was that jolt from God (and of course, God’s consistent and constant reinforcement – but that’s not what this post is about)

This week I believe I received my second jolt.

But what is God telling me this time?

Is it really just “don’t stress” like my family has been telling me my entire life? Really? It’s gotta be something more than that!

I know I can’t force a meaning out of this (or anything for that matter). I will only find meaning in whatever happens in retrospect, like with all things in life. But I definitely do want to be more intentional about the things I do and am responsible for. Am I unknowingly drinking haterade? Do I really need to suffix that compliment with a “but”? Is refusing to acknowledge a Facebook friend’s birthday because she didn’t acknowledge mine really a beef worth having? I’m obviously having a lot of fun with this list.

What are you going to do differently now?

It’s a question Mr. Rafia posed to me a few days ago; and it’s worth repeating. As much as I hate to admit, that boy sure has a way of bringing me down to earth, reminding me that there always is a spiritual provenance.

There surely was the first time.

I might not get all the answers this time when I want them. Or even if I do, I might not like what I hear. But I have a feeling that I will be getting something.

I just have to be willing to listen.

15 thoughts on “Visiting the Past/Waiting on the Edge”

  1. I can’t explain the jolt of happiness I get when I receive a new post of yours in my inbox. I love how well you elaborate on a particular event in your life and how it made you feel, without having to share the specifics of what that event was. I definitely need “those moments” to bring me back to earth too. Folding under stress is just such a real thing, it must have been nice to have been able to take a step back through the experience you just had. Also, you and Mr. Rafia seem to really complement each other, ma shaa Allah :)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, my dear! I feel the same way when I see a post, or comment, or email beginning with Suma Fiore! It was certainly surreal to be able to revisit the past in this way, but it gives me perspective that your attitude is really what is the most important in any given situation. I’ve found this blend of elusive personal writing to be thrilling, cathartic, and challenging in a good way. I hope I didn’t lose you with this post!

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  2. As always, another insightful and humbling post from you my dear Rafia. I don’t know if I’m good at picking up signs either, but I truly believe that none of us can outrun or avoid their destiny. In the end whatever Allah ‘aza wajal has prescribed for us will happen. Accepting the good and the bad with patience and grace is the one thing worth striving for.

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    1. Yes, this has been a humble reminder for me that my worrying won’t change what has been written for me. But I do believe that we should not become defeatist​ in the process. I can’t really explain it, but I know you understand what I’m trying to say. It’s not really the facts that change, but the way we begin to view them that we are accountable and responsible for. I could be completely wrong in how I interpret any life event, but I get to decide what gives my life meaning and that’s important. Sorry for this meandering comment! I think I’ve lost myself ;)

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I totally get what you are saying. It is indeed very difficult to put it into words but I get what you mean. Our destinies while prescribed by Allah (swt) still give us a measure of agency.

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      2. It reminds me of the idea of kasb in Islamic theology. That God created all possible action, but the act of acquisition is what makes us accountable for the particular action.

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      1. While I have training in listening, there are times when I struggle because I see the “answer” to the problem when the other person may not. Make sense?

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  3. I definitely believe in a “calling” or something I’m supposed to know or learn. I get an intuition, something that comes over my body. I also love how you say “Mr. Rafia”!

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    1. Thanks so much for commenting! I’m quite literally experiencing the same thing. I can’t sleep. I’ve been awake since 5 am this morning just thinking of all the possibilities. Haha, you might be the only commenter here who knows Mr. Rafia by his actual name. It’s funny, because in real life Musa is the life of the party. But in my little blogging world, I get to be the puppet Master ;) I relish this opportunity!

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