Call it a poem, call it a lazy attempt at a blog post, call it what you will.

Where does this desire – nay, compulsion – for constant renewal come from?

Why do I have all this energy to start projects, but then lose interest after a few months or even days?

Is this my fate, is it in my disposition to start this, start that, take on this, take on that – but then feel so inundated by everything that the only solution is to retreat from it all?

I used to think I was afraid of commitment.

I’ve changed my mind about so many things.

What career I wanted.

The type of man I wanted to marry.

The kind of woman I want to be.

As to the first, I have a pretty good idea of what I want to do – but then again, I thought the same all those other times, as well.

As to the second, I got what I wanted for the most part (yay), but also got what I needed (which is not always fun, let me tell ya).

As to the third, it’s constantly in flux.

Right now, the kind of woman I’d like to be is the kind of woman who NEVER has headaches.

***

Perhaps the source of this deluge is not all those things, but me.

8 thoughts on “Call it a poem, call it a lazy attempt at a blog post, call it what you will.

  1. Someone told me yesterday that she, too, suffered from quickly losing momentum. But her personal root cause of this was confidence. She simply was convinced that each time she attempted a new project, she wasn’t good enough to be great. And..she wouldn’t have been satisfied just being good.

    It was an interesting discussion, to say the least. Made me think.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think confidence might also be a part of it as well, for me. My husband thinks it’s all about intention. Am I starting these projects out of love and passion for the mission or because of self aggrandizement. I don’t know. I’d love to hear more of your thoughts about this discussion you had.

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  2. If I can give you a piece of advice on this front as a sister who has a few years on you (big sister status for the win :) ), it is to not overthink life so much. Just go with the flow: try, start, restart, leave it, come back to it, build and rebuild, the important thing is that through all this you learn about yourself. Eventually one finds one’s path in life, for some it just takes longer.

    When I was in my early 20s I went through a profound existential crisis, I don’t think I’m completely through it honestly, and from time to time I do have some relapses. But during that time I met an elderly gentleman at my local library. We both use to attend a weekly lecture on Japanese art. We started talking and WOW I was completely blown away. This man had lived and experienced so much, and here I was struggling with what to do with my life. He said something to me that I will never forget. He said, people are so busy overthinking life that they forget to live it. Rafia, it was like a revelation to me, because that’s exactly what I was doing (and still do it to a certain degree). He passed away a few years laters but I will never forget his stories. He use to compare life to Jazz and of course I knew nothing about that genre of music loool. He use to say that just like a good Jazz song life is full of harmony and chaos, and of course he was absolutely right.

    So just go for it Rafia, live your life with gusto. Embrace it for what it is a journey and an ongoing experience. It think this song by Charles Mingus is a perfect representation of what Mr. Leland was talking about. Enjoy!

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    • Thanks for your advice, big sis! I’m so lucky to have found this cadre of blogging friends who bring with them such wisdom and support! I’m also responding to the last part of your latest blog entry. You know I LOVE jazz and exactly for its spontaneity and just pure love. I definitely overthink things. We’re told or observe that it’s a good thing, but we don’t know when to stop. I’ll try to live my life more like it’s a jazz song. I wish I could scat! Haha. I really loved this advice. Thank you, Geeky! <3

      Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, sis! I do think perfectionism also has to do with it. I’m never content and am always worried that I’ll fail or not be as good enough as ______. But I find blogging about it gives me perspective after I read what other people think.

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