In one week, Cake & Cows will be two years old. I’m not going to make any baby analogies, don’t worry.
A lot has happened in these two years.
I was published for the first time by a site that was not controlled by me… and then again and again… and then stopped writing for that site because, in a nut shell, it just wasn’t my niche.
I did a couple of freelance news-type articles and even got a badge that said “media” on it. That was exciting for a minute.
I enrolled in a writing workshop and again got excited about the prospect of writing my own
I actually got started on that memoir, but realized soon enough that I haven’t lived long enough or had that crazy of a life to merit a memoir at the age of thirty. Like most goals I’ve ever made and not seen through to their completion, I haven’t made it an ungoal… it’s just not what I want to do right now. Also, Sumaya and I signed a contract, so I’m beholden to it.
I did a couple of more articles for other sites.
I even wrote a short story that was published.
But in all this, I’ve discovered what I love most is blogging about my life. It was my first foray into writing back in 2003 and it’s honestly the one form of writing that is truly me, my own (MY PRECIOUSSSSS!).
When I blog, I’m not thinking of my “intended audience” like I do with other forms. I don’t care (that much) what people will think or feel the need to conform to expectations of what makes “good writing.” I get to decide if it’s good
or not enough to hit the publish button. There’s something so thrilling about not waiting on others to get your work out there.
I no longer feel the need to be validated as a writer because I only blog. I struggled with this initially. Can I call myself a writer? I need to write more! I need to write things that people read! But in time, I stopped caring. Maybe because I did try other forms of writing and felt like I’ve gotten to a place where I don’t have to justify myself anymore. Been there, done that kind of thing.
Sure, I’d love to have more readers and comments (who wouldn’t?), but that’s not why I turn to blogging. I blog because it’s my way of decompressing my life in a way that makes me feel like I’ve built a product. I’m proud of the fact that I don’t just rant out the litanies of the day. I take time to reflect on what I want to say. I use proper grammar and punctuation, though I do take some liberties from time to time. Like starting sentences with “like.” And creating new words. Hey, if academics do it, I, as a pseudo-academic, will as well!
A couple of months ago, I mentioned a local poetry contest I entered. Well, just this week I found out that I was selected. There are no winners. I’m pretty sure all five people who submitted were selected. But you know what? Whatever. In every station of my life, I’ve always said that to myself. I only got into Madrigals because there weren’t enough good singers that year. I only got into UChicago because I was somehow able to convince my undergrad professors that I was a good enough student to get in. Blah, blah, blah. Every accomplishment I’ve put down. It’s that tension between confidence and arrogance that I’ve written about before. Why can’t I just be happy for myself, while acknowledging that it is ultimately all from God?
I have got to learn to accept what comes my way… good and bad. We all do. No need to rationalize everything. Because at the end of the day, I believe in an omnipotent God, and at some point, you just gotta let go.
That’s a good feeling to have on the eve of Cake & Cows’s second birthday. I think I deserve some cake next week, no? ;