Recreating the past

It’s a nice feeling you have when something you were so worried about ended up turning out just fine.

But the opposite is also true.

Except the resulting feeling can sometimes last forever, if you let it.

When things you had put a lot of hope in ended up not going the way you wanted it to, you end up questioning yourself: Did I do something wrong? Why didn’t I do more research? And particularly in my case, maybe if I had spoken up earlier, things could have turned out differently?

Maybe… if YOU is all you are thinking of.

Human beings have a hard time letting things go.

We look back to an idealized past, ignoring the surrounding circumstances and environment, and think: “I can do this again! I did it before.”

Hubris.

It’s good when it works out.

It kinda sucks when it does not.

Yesterday, a speaker at a conference I attended made a generalizing statement about people of my generation: that we believe in failing forward.

I guess on some level I do, too.

I did learn quite a bit from this situation. And even though it was not what I had envisioned, maybe my visions were not all that important to begin with.

That does not mean that I stop envisioning entirely, just that I recognize I need to focus my visioning on something else, somewhere else now.

A part of me feels lost, because I don’t know what that is.

But if I can look to my past — in another way — I can be hopeful that inspiration will come again, when I least expect it.

Perhaps I will “fail” again. But if I’m moving forward, is it really a failure? It all depends on how you look at it.

Getting an F in AP Chemistry gave me the courage to pursue things I actually loved. Getting rejected by some of my past rishtas gave me more time to truly discover myself (although that journey is far from over, thanks in no small part to a man I refer to as Mr. Rafia). The many times I have (re)gained weight have taught me the importance of making healthy living a priority – i.e. it’s not something that just naturally happens by willing it. Not for me anyway.

I can go on, but let’s not.

P.S. I realized this week just how much I love History. A part of me wishes that I had not decided to switch majors.

P.P.S. I love how I just kinda contradicted this post just now. Maybe History will be an element of my next project? PhD? NOOOOOO! My inner dialogue is like the song that never ends. “Rafia, stop it! YOU ARE NOT GETTING YOUR PHD IN HISTORY. YOU ARE NOT GETTING A PHD IN ANYTHING!!!”

Not now, anyway ;)

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