Most definitely my last post of 2018… I think ;)

Today is the last day of 2018. I don’t know why I am making such a big deal. I always fall asleep before midnight anyway. But with the week that I have been having, I may actually be awake… but probably in the midst of making sense of that final paragraph, re-reading it at least three times before I finally give up and turn off my lamp.

I can’t say I’ve ever been a huge fan of New Year’s Eve festivities. I just imagine a lot of people getting drunk for no reason. Not that I believe one is ever justified for getting drunk. The fact that it’s done en masse just because it’s the last day of the year. I don’t get it. But as someone who has never had alcohol or even wanted to have any, I guess I couldn’t get it.

That’s not to say that I don’t have members in my family that do have their own halal version of New Year’s Eve celebrations. Just not my immediate family. There are plenty of reasons that I can surmise why this is so. But I’d rather not get into that.

When it all comes down to it, I really don’t care about the celebrations (the hats, the countdowns, etc). And yet, I do make goals that might be considered resolutions. But in all honestly, I’m not really meticulous with them, so are they really resolutions? I don’t have planners where I write down my resolutions and then have monthly check-ins. Why add all that unnecessary stress in your life? I am already a pretty anxious person with external deadlines.

The one goal/resolution that I have had, as nebulous as they may be, has been to lose weight. The amount has, of course, varied throughout the years. There was a time, between 2006 and 2009, where I actually needed to lose weight for medical reasons. Like you know, not being obese anymore. But since 2010, the goal has been to lose the few pounds I have regained, which is natural after a significant amount of weight loss. It’s ranged anywhere from 25ish to 10 pounds; not really a “do or die” kind of thing. But after losing weight and then regaining it, I was afraid that the loss was perhaps a dream that I would wake up from sooner or later. I know the statistics.

Things are different now. People are starting to become more accepting of the fact that we can’t all be stick-thin. But I grew up in the 90s. “The Fat Girl” was my identity for much of my life and it was not a good thing or even just okay back then. I wasn’t just not skinny, I was nearing morbid obesity. So, I had to lose the weight for my health. I do not regret it all. And yet because of all the conflicting messages I have taken in throughout the years, I’ve become obsessed with my weight… afraid of being that Girl again. She probably would find more spaces of acceptance now, but I couldn’t accept me.

Anyways, here I am, almost an entire decade later (a full decade in August!). And for the first time since goal-making has been something I am capable of doing, losing weight is not something I want to or feel I need to achieve next year. If I were 10 pounds more, would I say the same? Probably not, if I am being honest. So, I know I am not done with this lifelong battle, but I do feel I am making progress.

Perhaps it’s a bit too early to say, but I do think finding an exercise (i.e. running) I actually enjoy and do not because I want to lose weight but to become better at… I think it might be playing a role in this.

Running is teaching me, a person who likes to go big or go home, to go slow. It is teaching me that the number on the scale has nothing to do with how far I can go or even how fast I can go. Building my endurance and my speed is going to take time. And hey, maybe I will always be a slow runner, but that’s fine. Putting on my running shoes and just putting one foot in front of the other is something not a lot of people willingly do. I was one of those people.

As much as I wish I was in a place to run a half-marathon next spring, I know deep-down it’s probably a better idea to slowly build to 13.1 miles, instead of signing up for a race now and forcing myself to push through it. There are plenty of training plans. But as of now, I don’t want to follow a training plan. I wanna do things on my own time, I want to enjoy running and not make it another goal I achieve and then drop. Considering my personality, health, and age, I think it’s better for me to delay the half-marathon. Maybe later in the year. Maybe 2020. Maybe even later than that. Maybe never. Only God knows where I will be in a few years. But in 2019, as long as I am in good health, I want to continue to run. I mean, I kinda have to with those new gadgets I got last week :)

Though I have been working on this draft for the last three days, I think I can finally say that this will be my last post of 2018. Alhamdulillah, it was good year. If performing Hajj was the only thing I did, it still would have been a great year. I think if I can summarize this year in a sentence, I would say that I deepened my faith – in God and in myself.

I still have a lot of work to do to in both avenues (and I know where I need to focus my efforts) but it’s not something that can be parsed out in a year. So I guess that’s why I am not making clearly-defined resolutions. These are things I will need to work on for as long as I am alive. So, I take that sentiment with me moving forward.

Quda Hafiz, 2018.

5 thoughts on “Most definitely my last post of 2018… I think ;)

  1. I’m not one for the new year hoopla either, Rafia. The whole “making new resolutions” thing is a bit of a futile exercise with me, especially the older I get. If anything, I’m finding out just how unpredictable life can be, despite our best efforts to plan ahead. My approach to the whole thing is the following: we’ve been able to successfully complete our rotation around the sun without blowing ourselves up or running straight into an asteroid…Great, let’s be thankful to Allah and call it the day LOL. Yeah, new year brings out the optimist in me as you can see :)

    I’m in complete awe of your commitment to your health, and doing it in a way that is healthy. It is so easy to look for easy and quick fixes. I’ve been trying to lose weight, so I’m always inspired by women, like yourself, who have found a successful and balanced way of achieving that goal.

    Continue to be your delightful and amazing self, my dear Rafia. I’ll be cheering for you all the way from the frozen streets of planet Hoth…..uhm, I mean Canada.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Awww, Geeky! It’s so great to hear from you and your kind and encouraging words always make life seem less futile ;)

    I loved this line: “we’ve been able to successfully complete our rotation around the sun without blowing ourselves up or running straight into an asteroid.” Haha! I guess for some people, that is reason enough to celebrate.

    Honestly, and I thank Allah for this, but the more I learn about Islam and deepen my faith, the less excited I become about trivial matters. Islam really is an anchor in a roaring sea of waves that seem to never end. Gotta really hold on tight though.

    I think with health, the older I get as well, I’m realizing the futility of trying to achieve something that was never meant to be. In my case, at one time, being the thinnest I could be. But I realize thinness is not a measure of health. Health really is a way of life in many ways. It shouldn’t be a checklist. If you need some advice on how to lose weight, I’m always more than happy to help, but I think making small changes, sticking with them, and seeing results is what makes a habit stick. Insha’Allah, I hope you are able to achieve your health goals, slowly but surely!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Beautifully said, Rafia. Islam is indeed an anchor. I’m trying to stick to some changes I’ve made in my diet, and build on that. I’m also planning on buying some exercise tools and starting to exercise at home. The whole going to the gym thing is never going to happen lool. I tried so many times before, but after a few days I stop going on a regular basis. I will definitely hit you up to get some more pointers though.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Honestly, I too hesitated joining a gym when Mr. Rafia did after we moved to our new place. But what I was doing at home really wasn’t doing much. I hate stationery bikes and a treadmill would be too big for our place. So I figured I’d finally join (the weight gain was a motivator, I will not lie). The good thing is that the gym we go to is very close to home and is only 10 bucks a month. I don’t go every day, but knowing that 10 dollars is going down the drain if I don’t, provides some motivation. If joining a gym truly isn’t for you, why not try walking or running when the weather gets better? I wouldn’t recommend doing outdoor exercise at this time of the year – I don’t myself :) At home yoga workouts are good for strength, although I don’t do that as frequently. LOL. Sorry if this was a bit unsolicited. Like with reading, I’ve discovered you have to try different “genres” to find out what will stick.

    Liked by 1 person

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