Today is the last day of 2018. I don’t know why I am making such a big deal. I always fall asleep before midnight anyway. But with the week that I have been having, I may actually be awake… but probably in the midst of making sense of that final paragraph, re-reading it at least three times before I finally give up and turn off my lamp.
I can’t say I’ve ever been a huge fan of New Year’s Eve festivities. I just imagine a lot of people getting drunk for no reason. Not that I believe one is ever justified for getting drunk. The fact that it’s done en masse just because it’s the last day of the year. I don’t get it. But as someone who has never had alcohol or even wanted to have any, I guess I couldn’t get it.
That’s not to say that I don’t have members in my family that do have their own halal version of New Year’s Eve celebrations. Just not my immediate family. There are plenty of reasons that I can surmise why this is so. But I’d rather not get into that.
When it all comes down to it, I really don’t care about the celebrations (the hats, the countdowns, etc). And yet, I do make goals that might be considered resolutions. But in all honestly, I’m not really meticulous with them, so are they really resolutions? I don’t have planners where I write down my resolutions and then have monthly check-ins. Why add all that unnecessary stress in your life? I am already a pretty anxious person with external deadlines.
The one goal/resolution that I have had, as nebulous as they may be, has been to lose weight. The amount has, of course, varied throughout the years. There was a time, between 2006 and 2009, where I actually needed to lose weight for medical reasons. Like you know, not being obese anymore. But since 2010, the goal has been to lose the few pounds I have regained, which is natural after a significant amount of weight loss. It’s ranged anywhere from 25ish to 10 pounds; not really a “do or die” kind of thing. But after losing weight and then regaining it, I was afraid that the loss was perhaps a dream that I would wake up from sooner or later. I know the statistics.
Things are different now. People are starting to become more accepting of the fact that we can’t all be stick-thin. But I grew up in the 90s. “The Fat Girl” was my identity for much of my life and it was not a good thing or even just okay back then. I wasn’t just not skinny, I was nearing morbid obesity. So, I had to lose the weight for my health. I do not regret it all. And yet because of all the conflicting messages I have taken in throughout the years, I’ve become obsessed with my weight… afraid of being that Girl again. She probably would find more spaces of acceptance now, but I couldn’t accept me.
Anyways, here I am, almost an entire decade later (a full decade in August!). And for the first time since goal-making has been something I am capable of doing, losing weight is not something I want to or feel I need to achieve next year. If I were 10 pounds more, would I say the same? Probably not, if I am being honest. So, I know I am not done with this lifelong battle, but I do feel I am making progress.
Perhaps it’s a bit too early to say, but I do think finding an exercise (i.e. running) I actually enjoy and do not because I want to lose weight but to become better at… I think it might be playing a role in this.
Running is teaching me, a person who likes to go big or go home, to go slow. It is teaching me that the number on the scale has nothing to do with how far I can go or even how fast I can go. Building my endurance and my speed is going to take time. And hey, maybe I will always be a slow runner, but that’s fine. Putting on my running shoes and just putting one foot in front of the other is something not a lot of people willingly do. I was one of those people.
As much as I wish I was in a place to run a half-marathon next spring, I know deep-down it’s probably a better idea to slowly build to 13.1 miles, instead of signing up for a race now and forcing myself to push through it. There are plenty of training plans. But as of now, I don’t want to follow a training plan. I wanna do things on my own time, I want to enjoy running and not make it another goal I achieve and then drop. Considering my personality, health, and age, I think it’s better for me to delay the half-marathon. Maybe later in the year. Maybe 2020. Maybe even later than that. Maybe never. Only God knows where I will be in a few years. But in 2019, as long as I am in good health, I want to continue to run. I mean, I kinda have to with those new gadgets I got last week :)
Though I have been working on this draft for the last three days, I think I can finally say that this will be my last post of 2018. Alhamdulillah, it was good year. If performing Hajj was the only thing I did, it still would have been a great year. I think if I can summarize this year in a sentence, I would say that I deepened my faith – in God and in myself.
I still have a lot of work to do to in both avenues (and I know where I need to focus my efforts) but it’s not something that can be parsed out in a year. So I guess that’s why I am not making clearly-defined resolutions. These are things I will need to work on for as long as I am alive. So, I take that sentiment with me moving forward.
Quda Hafiz, 2018.