Confidence is attractive, I’ve been told by Mr. Rafia several times, especially during the times when I feel particularly unconfident (don’t give me that squiggly red line, Chrome! Meriam Webster says it’s a word!).
As soon as you reveal to others how unconfident you are, it leaves you vulnerable… and not in a good way. It allows others to “hijack” the situation. Okay, I’m being unnecessarily hyperbolic here, as is my wont ;) My point is: you lose yourself in the situation, your bearings. The other person does not have the same expectations as you do. You have to take your perception outside of your own for a minute (or however long you need to let it sink). But still, the worry comes back. At least it does for me. I can’t call it waswasa, from a purely theological perspective, but it kinda feels like a profane version of it.
I’ve written about my lack of confidence for as long as I have been blogging and time and time again, I’ve proven myself wrong. Yet, why do I still worry? Is it really perfectionism? That label has not been leveled against me since 7th grade. I guess, deep down, it’s the fear of looking like an idiot. I am not an idiot, I know that. But that’s why I like writing. I can take my time to sort through what my thoughts are. But with speaking, I don’t have that time I like. I think having to think on my feet is what scares me, because I don’t fully trust myself and what I know.
Sometimes I feel like I am tokienized. I don’t want to do the gig because I am the only “young” brown woman you know. But in this particular situation, when my supervisor told me that I bring a unique theological perspective to the equation, it made me realize that I second guess myself and other people’s intentions more than what is fair or valid. Maybe, it’s my own misperceptions of people that gets me in trouble. And by trouble, I mean excessive worry.
By the Grace of God, I have been given plenty of opportunities to prove to myself that I am capable of doing the things I worry I cannot. Maybe this is a weakness in my tawakkul? Maybe that’s what the real test is – to strengthen my faith.
When my car wouldn’t start on Monday, I avoided a meltdown because I had Mr. Rafia to jump start my car. I had to get it inspected to be safe, for sure. What the mechanic said was that everything tested out fine, must have been a fluke. A fluke? Really? But immediately my mind went to, “Not again! I’m driving to Chicago this week by myself! What if my car stops midway, on the highway this time?” (My previous car stopped while I was backing out of the driveway). And when both printers at work were having issues on the day I was planning to get all my materials for Chicago printed (over 1,000 pages), I knew it was a sign from Allah that I had to put all my trust in Him that things would work out. They may not be when I want them to be, or even how I want them to be, but we will make it through. And it will be fine. It will be a good experience for everyone and God-willing, I will be able to treat myself with some “Death by Chocolate” cake at the end of my trip from my favourite bakery.
LOL, if that’s what I need to keep me going, then so be it! :) Chocolate cake is my light at the end of the tunnel!