Saying “No” (i.e. Hello, Insomnia!)

I have been blessed (why blessed? It seems counter-intuitive on its face, but it’s the word that first came to me) this week to have to say “No” to two what-could-have-been really great opportunities.

Why did I say “No”? Either the dates, location, or timing simply did not work out. If they did, I’d have probably said “Yes.” Not because those two things are things I am particularly passionate about, but because what could come out of it.

Could.

But knowing me, I’d probably just find a corner and actually use my phone (and by use, I mean “pretend” I have an important email I simply MUST answer while everyone else is socializing).

Deep down inside though, as much I secretly desire that exposure and chance to be known, I also don’t want it.

My whole life I’ve always felt like I don’t belong. Not because I’m a visible minority navigating in a space where I stand out. Actually, in those spaces I’ve felt more of a community than I have in spaces where I look like everyone else. It’s a fact that has bemoaned me for quite some time. I had a short reprieve during my two years living in Hyde Park, Chicago, a time I travel back to in my mind very often. But I know that that was an idyllic past to which I cannot return.

I am here, now. Life is not perfect. It was not perfect then either. But you know how it is, being a nostalgic romantic? Just yesterday I was revisiting the thought, “What if I had stuck with being a History major in undergrad? Where would I be now?”

Sometimes a perceived sense of rationality gets the “better” of me. Sometimes I follow my heart. Well, not my heart in the sense of “I’m going to Hollywood and live in my car until I become a famous singer one day.” Nothing grand like that. But as I have written before, my marriage is one of them. Of course, I didn’t go against my family’s wishes in marrying Mr. Rafia. But it certainly was not the process that I had grown to accept.

This is a bit of a meandering post.

Suffice it to say, my old friend insomnia is back. I hate to admit it, but I think Mr. Rafia is right. I think good sleep is tied to exercise. It’s not for lack of trying either. I really did want to go to the gym yesterday and today (err, yesterday and the day before – I should be sleeping now!). But other circumstances weighed heavier than my desire to “work it out.” In the end, I had to sit with the reason why I was so anxious to work out. I realize the hard work of my past weight-related issues are far from over. I can say sleep is a good reason to exercise, but a part of it is still this fear of gaining weight.

This too is also a “No” in its own way, although not as intentional as the other two I mentioned above.

They could all be circumstances coming together in the course of these past few days. But as I know in my heart, there are deeper meanings to all that has transpired.

In any case, these are things on my mind right now and I’m up earlier than I would want to be, so I decided to “blog it out.”

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