Since I have been posting nearly weekly this month, I would feel remiss to not post one final time before Ramadan ends this year.
The last ten days have been unlike any other last ten days I have experienced in the twenty or so years I have been fasting. And… *drum roll* they have NOT been in the way I was hoping or praying for.
Mercy is major theme in Islam and yet I was unable to be merciful to myself. A lot of this stems from the remnants of, what I call, fiqhiness, which not infrequently manifests during moments of uncertainty. Not in terms of belief, but rather in jurisprudence. Ah, that antiquated English word only Muslims and perhaps legal scholars employ on the regular! I kept on feeling like I was taking the easy way out, and maybe I was at times; but at other times, I know I had a legitimate excuse. And yet, I couldn’t help but feel I was…am not strong enough.
I was quite miserable for a good deal of the final ten days. Not the typical “woe is me” stuff; I’m talking real physical pain. But now that I am cured of my misery (I hope), I can see more clearly where my top priorities must lie.
I feel I have made some progress.
There are many changes I want to make post-Ramadan. But I also know that it’s more important to start small and stay consistent.
Now that Ramadan is almost over, I am awash with a flurry of thoughts: food will no longer be restricted – will I have self-control?… I haven’t exercised in close to two months – will I be able to continue where I left off in my running?… I’ve not listened to music, the news, or intentionally watched or read non-Islamic things in my spare time – am I going to make a complete reversal?… I say I want to continue some of the activities I have been partaking in this month – but will I actually?…
The few hours before Eid-al-Fitr are always bittersweet. Beginning tomorrow, there will be no more of waking up at least one hour before Fajr begins to eat suhoor, sleeping in until 11 am or later on the weekends, miraculously being able to finish more than a juz of the Qur’an a day, or that beautifully emotive and soul-stirring recitation of the Qur’an at the masjid. Those are things truly to be missed.
I pray that I have made the best of this month and carry as much of it with me as I can for the rest of my life. It can’t just be about what happens this month – it has to be about the rest of my life, as well. In an odd way, there may be some wisdom behind not having a “perfect” Ramadan. Life happens, whether good or bad, but what we are responsible for is our reaction to these events. May Allah (swt) accept our fasts and other forms of ibadat this month.
Now, I will leave you with my bi-annual Eid graphic: Mufia praying. I know her ears are showing, but she’s a heifer, okay? She’s doing the best she can!