I’m not referring to any person.
I mean my good ‘ole friend, Mr. Insomnia (why is he male? It’s too early for a cogent answer to that one).
I was getting so used to putting that in my past. But I suppose some things can never truly be put away in a box… and then magically disappear. That never happens.
I suppose Insomnia is a good metaphor for most things in life.
Unlike the previous times I’ve woken up while it’s still dark, I know for sure it’s not because of anything I have done.
OK, maybe I shouldn’t say “I know for sure.” I don’t really know for sure.
Lately, I’ve become more attuned to my body. It’s amazing how (more) confident you become when you’re no longer masking your problems. I’m experiencing things I have not experienced in over a decade. This has resulted in a lot of Googling, which makes me feel like I am a teenager once again.
Of course, that’s not to say that I have fully embraced my recent changes. I said out loud publicly yesterday, without really understanding why, that I stopped running. Why did I say that? Some sort of guilt? I don’t think anyone picked up on it. It’s not like I am a life-long runner who has been forced to give up my life. But I really came to embrace this new identity as a runner. For health reasons, I have temporarily stopped running. I do hope that I can start running again – because one thing has not changed: I have no talent in other kinds of sports that require transporting a ball in some way – but I don’t know when that will be.
I have to be patient with this journey I am on. That’s what journeys are all about. We like to say, “It’s not about the destination, but the journey.” And while that’s true, I think implicit in that statement is that our journeys are these progressive movements, the next better than the last. But that’s not always true. There will also be some regression involved. There may be detours. Or you may even completely change your route.
I don’t know what my destination is or even what my journey will be like. But I really do have to take it one day at a time, because this moment is the only guarantee in life (that I am aware of).
How does that relate to Insomnia? I’m not sure. I’ve been up since 2:30 am. It’s too early for logic. Cake! Cows! Bye.